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Pussycat -Love of Salem

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Medicine [10 Jul 2010|08:17pm]
It is so hard to get off the tons of medicines I have been on. In 2008, I was on 14 medicines. As of today, I am now one 2 and one of those is birth control so really, I am on only one actual "medicine". The final med I was trying to get off of was not to terrible bad weening off of, but now comes the horrible side effect. Last time I stopped taking it, I was very angry and had NO filter at all. I'd say whatever. Yea. I did that at Wegmans tonight. THese old bitches were whining that the music was too loud so I walked by and yelled GET OVER IT. Ooops. The med said when weening, people get night terrors. I haven't had that...just had WEIRD dreams. My one ex was in it. I remember that and I remember it being really odd but I forget the dream now. Well at any rate, I hope this anger thing goes away.


Now to finish this stupid paper. 20 more days of class!

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[09 Jul 2010|09:04pm]
show me
show me
show me
how you do that trick
the one that makes me scream
she said
the one that makes me laugh
she said
and threw her arms around my neck

show me how you do it
and i promise you
i promise that i'll run away with you
i'll run away with you

spinning on that dizzy edge
i kissed her face and kissed her head
and dreamed of all the different ways i had
to make her glow
why are you so far away?
she said
but won't you ever know that i'm in love with you?
that i'm in love with you?

soft and only
lost and lonely
strange as angels
dancing in the deepest oceans
EXISTING in the water
you're just like a dream...
you're just like a dream...

daylight licked me into shape
i must have been asleep for days
and moving lips to breathe her name
i opened up my eyes
and found myself alone
above a raging sea
that stole the only girl i loved
and drowned her deep inside of me

soft and only
lost and lonely
just like heaven
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Life [21 May 2010|11:58pm]
Laying in bed and got pretty emotional. I don't know why, it's really weird. I've done a lot of changes in my life lately for the better. Some assholes I thought were our friends really fucked us over about a year ago but it was the best thing that happened. Then got rid of more dead weight i our lives, got rid of that putrid apartment, went back to school, got the tattoo I have wanted for a long time, etc. I don't have time for stupid people in my life anymore. It's just kinda plain and simple like that. When I was younger, I was always friendly and couldn't have breakup when it came to friendships cuz I didn't wanna hurt peoples feelings. But when people are a negitive influence in your life, why the fuck are they there anyway? I am too old for that shit. Timmy and I are doing really well and we are no longer each others dead weight. Took a long time to say that but things are pretty damn good. Sure we do shit that annoys the crap out of one another but we no longer dread being in the same room with one another. I looked over tonight at the pic of us at Orpheus I think on our 2nd "date" and I remember back then thinking this guy just wants a piece of ass and we'll be broken up in a few months. Then I look to my left and the same man is asleep next to me. It's kinda crazy how that worked out. Out of the almost 4 years we have been married, about 3 of those years were complete hell. But thank god things have changed drastically. It's nice to have this life now. I enjoy it. Sure, I get depressed about the bullshit that happens daily like dumb shit at work, bills, bad days, etc. But while my anxiety has gotten a bit worse, I am more mellow in a lot of ways. Each day I try to be a better person in one way or another.

I just wish my past didn't haunt me so badly... like being bullied in 8th grade. I tried to kill myself in 8th grade because the asshole down the street was brutal to me. Punched me in the face on the bus. Tormented me from 7-3pm and then even after. It was horrible. The summer of 8th grade, I couldnt leave the house because I had panic attacks so bad. Then "friends" in school would be so brutal to me, popular guys would ask me out as a joke between them and their buddies to watch the dorky kid get her hopes up and then crush her, etc. I have tried to let a lot of my relationship baggage go but the things from my childhood just cannot go away. No shrink can get me to rid of that pain. I just thought about it...why am I writing this? Why does anyone need to know this shit? Why am I babbling? It helps to get it out but then again, people read this. Eh whatever.

So I guess that's all. I really have no clue why I just shared that stuff.
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Yippee skippy or some shit [23 Apr 2010|09:29pm]
I am looking forward to many things coming up.

Tomorrow after work, I am taking my sweet baby Meatball away for the evening. Found a hotel in Gettysburg that takes dogs so me and Meaty are going away for the night. Its gonna rain which royally sucks ass. Can't be going to a worst place to be rained in... there is nothing to do indoors. May tour one of the "ghost" places but that's about all. Wanna find the Cashtown inn to take pics of. I'd go to dinner there but I dont wanna feel like a loser sitting there alone.

Next Saturday I am shooting the May Day parade which should be fun. Then Wednesday I get my tattoo. I have had this appointment for ages... cannot wait to get this tat. Then the following weekend is the Orpheus reunion. Looking forward to seeing friends I haven't seen in years. Not too happy about the fact that these extra 10 lbs I cant get rid of makes me look terrible in my old clothes but it's been about 8 years so I why the fuck do I seriously care? Anyway, looking forward to it. After that, it is finals week! June 19th is M3 festival which I absolutely positively cannot fucking wait for. After that, I have to wait for Aug 14. I need this vacation. My god do I freaking deserve it.
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REUNION! [17 Apr 2010|05:57pm]


On May 8th, there will be a reunion of sorts at Orpheus. Spider will be DJing for the last time before her and Josh welcome a little one into their family. It's been a long time since we were all together, so here's our chance to see some old faces and relive the good memories.
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Reality is setting in [12 Apr 2010|09:19pm]
Today I registered for my final semester before graduation. I came to the realization that I have been in college on and off for 11 years. I could be a doctor.

I went for my photo degree at HCC and left there to go to Corcoran in 2001 but after 9/11 I said hell no and came back home. Graduated from HCC in 2002. Then in 2004 I started at Towson and got married, got sick many semesters, had multiple surgeries... blah blah. But since I started back at school last fall, I have done really well to bring my GPA up and I am damn proud. It's not easy working 40 hours, taking 3 classes and coming home to a place you dreaded. Thank god things aren't that way now and we are doing really well but bad then it was awful. I have hopes that this coming fall will be much better. I'll be in 3 classes again, working close to 40 hours but at least I look forward to seeing my hubby nowadays. The only thing that sucks is, we try to watch tv together and spend time together most nights and with homework, that won't be able to happen much. I'll find a happy medium somewhere because I cannot give that up. Worked too damn hard to get to this point in school and my marriage.

I really hope that people can see us from wherever they go after they die. I promised my uncle on his deathbed that I would get my art history degree for him. I just hope he is proud of me and can see i am almost there. He was a weird man but I loved him. We were a lot alike... totally stubborn, weird... he was a trip. He loved art, traveled all his life, was a very intellegant man. I didn't have enough time with him. He wasn't fond of pain in the ass kids or teenagers. He loved me and my cousins to death when we were little but when we got annoying, he we weren't his favs lol He was a bachelor all of his life. So we were like his kids in a way. He brought me the coolest stuff from all over the world. Dolls from France, books from England, a handmade rosary from Africa for my first communion. For his retirement, he did a pilgrimage where he walked the entire way from France to Santiago Compostella (a church) in Spain. So after graduation, I am taking a trip to Santiago Compostella to see the place that was so important to him. My plan is to fly to Italy and stay with a friend, then take a train to Madrid. Travel to Santiago C and then from there, fly to Ireland for a few days. It will be a trip well deserved and very close to my heart. Where i will get the money, I have no idea. I guess I better start going to my chair dance classes more so I can start making money at it LOL!! (totally kidding folks, no one would wanna see that!!!!) They'd pay me to stop! ha

Once I hit that button to submit the final classes, I got super nervous and have had a lot of anxiety today. Is it because it is the end? I have been so used to school. And now it's nearly over. Is it because I am "growing up"? I wish I knew why I felt this way. Then I think... do I really wanna have a baby? We talk about it a lot. Do I want to give up my freedom, my sleep, my somewhat normal life? And will be stop getting along so well? I know that's a huge stress on marriages. I have wanted to be a mom all my life but the more time goes by, I just don't know. I guess everything is hitting the surface these days. Looking at life with kids, changing careers, having to get health insurance which no one will give me, buying a house some day... etc. Is all this normal? I would think so but what is normal for me?

All i know is, I feel better now that I got this off my chest.
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Email for the walk [23 Feb 2010|09:36pm]
This is the email I have been sending about the walk. We would love donations or walkers to join our pack!

Hi everyone!

It's the time of year again when Meatball & I put on our walking shoes to raise money for the Maryland SPCA. It takes at least $300 to pay for an animal's care at the shelter until it is adopted. This cost includes vaccinations, spay/neuter surgery, food, and care. Meatball and I have the goal to help at least one dog this year. Time's are super tough for us all, so we appreciate any donation of any size if you are able to spare.

I prefer that donations go through the website http://www.marchfortheanimals.kintera.org/meatyandbeans if at all possible. If you would rather write a check, please contact me for my address & you can mail it to me. We would also love people to join our pack! I am marching with Mushi's Marchers, lead by my long time wonderful friend Chrissy and her husband. If you would like to join, contact me for the link! The event is an absolute blast!!!!! Tons of adorable dogs, events, music, lots of freebies (we all love those!) and a ton of fun to help the animals.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this email. Please feel free to forward it to anyone who you know that may donate to this great organization.
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Tonight [20 Feb 2010|06:11pm]
I cannot wait. I'm going to see Cold. Tim had to work late and told me to find someone to go along with me but had no takers. Luckily he got off work in time so I can go.He's not too excited for the show but I am. When we saw them like 5-6 years ago at uhh... I forget the name of that place that used to be in Brooklyn... but we saw them there and they were terrible. I'm really hoping they don't suck this time. It's at a club in Lancaster PA... are we gonna be rocking out with the Amish? ;0)

May stop at Orpheus to see Spider afterwards but I doubt it. The man is beat from working. I'm really hopeful for a good night. I haven't been out in ages! I could be going to a freaking bullroast and be happy just to get the hell outta the house.
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Something I have learned. [27 Jan 2010|01:01am]
I used to be good at writing papers after a drink or two. Now, it just sounds retarded! LOL

I am SOOOOOOooooOOoOOoo tired. Timmys been throwing up (TMI) and I dont know if its a bug or if its something wrong with his tummy. He gets sick a lot. Worries me. I got a nasty bug but took herbs from work and it helped a lot. I had to take an incomplete in my class so I can actually finish... I was in bed for 3 days not thinking straight. It felt like someone packed a bag of cotton balls in my head. But its going away and I can finally can start doing this final paper.

I really have no clue why Im writing this. Maybe because I am pushing myself to stay awake and TRY to write more of the paper.
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Sick. [23 Jan 2010|07:40pm]
Nothing much new going on. Don't feel so wonderful. Started getting sick last night and today I feel awful. It's ickiness all around. Missing Dave's bday festivities which sucks. I'm doing so well in my History of Modern Design class... I have an 88, 90 and 93 and have one more paper due. Due to my being sick, she's letting me turn it in next week. I couldn't begin to try to write with such a icky head. I'm bummed about this but it happened.

Looking forward to going to the beach next weekend with my family. I am finally doing something for myself and Im going to go for a massage Saturday. Looking forward to that!!!!
Went to see Cold years ago and it SUCKED but they are one of my most favorite bands so I am going Feb 20th to the Chameleon (sp?) club to see them. I don't want to go alone so I had to basically had to bribe my husband to go with me lol But cant wait. If they suck again I will be severely pissed lol

The most exciting thing I cant wait for is the M3 festival. Holy shit I cannot wait for that. I wish Twisted Sister was playing again but oh well. Its going to be amazing times!!!! Lets see...whatelse is going on.. I guess nothing much really.
This is my exciting update. WOOOO! Dont get too overly excited!
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[22 Dec 2009|10:20pm]
Pain. Sometimes I think it's a good thing to feel because you know you're alive. I'm tred of knowing I'm alive. So tired.
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Medicine blows [18 Dec 2009|11:29pm]
Im taking muscle relaxers for this HORRIBLE back spasm I am having. I seriously feel like I am going to be sick when it spasms. Im on this muscle crap and it makes me feel like I am chewing on a piece of metal. And it gives me this funky headache. So weird!

I am watching Christmas Vacation for I assure you the 200+ time. I can recite this movie. It is about my family. We are the Grizwolds.

Kinda bored tonight, contemplative about a few things. Thinking about Christmas' past, wishing I went out tonight, wishing I had the snow boots my mother bought me for Christmas, just general junk. I wonder if I go chew on metal, if this taste/smell goes away?

Heard this song on an old cd today...
"I could have missed the pain, but I'd have miss the dance.
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Annoying [07 Dec 2009|10:39pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Guys are total dickheads. Sorry if you read this and you aren't a total dickhead. If i learned anything in my Women's Perspective class this sem. I should know better to make generalizations or stereotypes about a sex but screw that. Ive been dicked over by so many guys, some I know may read this. Thanks for contributing to fucking up my head. Anyone ever watch that celebrity sex rehab? Amber said something about "they never come back" and it made me think about the 2 guys I dated who supposidly liked me soooo much and ran w/out having the balls to break it off. wtf. Still messes with my head and its been nearly 9 years. I have a xmas cd I put in my car and it has some songs on it that were linked to one of those "guys". It was weird hearing those songs again. It is so funny how music can take you to another time and place. Its such a good thing they did what they did but no one realizes what they are doing and how it will affect that person in the long run. I am TOTALLY guilty of this and makes me feel like shit.

I feel like a failure at life. I come home to a comatose robot in front of a damn video game, I dont know if I will pass math, I am nearing 31 and I dont have a child and I probably wont at this point b/c of health reasons. I see a lot of happy people around me whos spouses like to go out and have fun with them but if my name isn't call of goddamn worthless pieces of shit duty than I dont matter. I am tired of trying to make life better when I am only 50% of the caring. It hurts. A lot. Fuck.

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Yea I forget this thing is still here [24 Nov 2009|09:52pm]
I have needed to vent for a really long time. Then it went away. Now its back. I forget livejournal still exists.

I am sick and tired of doing for everyone else. When is it my turn. I am absolutely so goddamn sick and tired of it.. Life is so not cool. It is cruel, evil and all things unholy. I despise how life plays out. The good moments in life really dont ever seem to make up for the shitty ones.
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"friends" [16 Jul 2009|10:19pm]
I am so tired of douche bag people. I really am.  
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Months later [15 Jul 2009|08:05pm]
I havent updated in a long time. Was without a laptop for a while. It sucked.

Not much new...things are pretty good. We are moving but not sure where right now. Applied at a place today which I wont be too upset if we dont get accepted. Our credits shot because we have a lot of medical bills from our surgeries last year. Timmy and I had surgery the same day in Sept last year. I was out of work for about 6 months then.

I got an incredible job at a acupuncture office. I got promoted and became Office Manager...pretty sweet. I got the inheritance my grandparents left me so I paid some of the credit shit off, got some new stuff around here and we are taking some cool trips. We went on somewhat of a second honeymoon. Things with us were really bad at the beginning of the year. We were close to divorce. The night of my 30th bday party, we almost split. But things are ok now. Way better than it was! We went to Florida and went to Orlando for 4 days (went to Disney for our first time which was incredible and Universal Studios, saw Jim Gaffigan at Hard Rock) and then we went to the same place we went for our honeymoon. Got a huge suite super cheap. On our anniversary, we went to get massages and reflexology which was cool. That night we were too tired to go out for a nice dinner so we just chilled at the hotel restaurant. We stayed at the pool most of the time. We went to Fort Desoto for a bit and saw the most incredbile experience... we walked around there and came to the beach which was STUNNING!!! Timmy looked out and goes "Oh my god there's dolphin everywhere!". It was so neat. Saw gads of pelicans which I love!

That night we went to Carrabba's with my aunt, uncle, nana and cousin. It was awesome...I adore them. It was so awesome to see them. My cousin was allowed out of rehab to come see me. We had a super nice time with them. Went back to my aunt and uncles house for a bit and went back to St Pete Beach. We were supposed to go see Jerica that night and Timmy didnt want to drive to Tampa. I was pretty damn bummed. We went to bed early that night after going to the pool.

Let's see... we went to VA to stay in the cabin with Timm, Jenn, Amy and a bunch of their friends. It was fun minus the horrid headache I had the ENTIRE weekend. Talk about a buzkill. This past weekend, I was supposed to take Patrick, my nephew to Gettysburg to camp. I called for the site and the lady said "it's biker weekend so there's 25,000 bikers coming and its going to be really loud here" which was enough for me to say no. If I dont sleep I am a total bitch. So we went to Hershey PA with the plan on camping there. Then it rained. So we went up to Hershey to go to the park after 5 when its half off. Thank god the rain held off until we were leaving to go to the campground. It POURED so we went home. We had a great time though.
The last weekend in July, we are taking Justin to Cedar Point in Ohio. Im pretty excited but we are only going for the weekend. SUCK

Im pretty damn broke now after doing a lot of stuff and getting stuff for the house. But oh well. We wont ever have the chance to do it again so may as well do it now.

So thats about it. I dont know why I wrote on here... does anyone really even care? lol
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Yea Im alive [23 Feb 2009|09:14pm]

We had computer issues. My laptop went to hell. Then I started using this computer. I got it when I lived in DC going to Corcoran. So its 8 years old. Serves a purpose but it got viruses too so had to clean it up. It works now. Slow but works.

Things are going really well in life. God fuckin' fig. Tim and I were ready to kill each other for a while. Things werent looking too good. Since then things have changed for the better and its good. Ive been getting acupuncture and physically my body has changed 500%. I am so greatful that I got this job. Not only for the acupuncture but because they want to make me practice manager. My chin hit the goddamn floor!!!!! Im scared but excited. I started at 16 hours a week as receptionist. They were so impressed with my performance that they wanted to give me more responsibilities and all. Now I am full time pretty much and I am a big part of the office. Its great.

I absolutely adore my co-workers. The acupuncturists care about me, my health problems and making me better. My boss waved my co-pay so I can get treated and get better. I havent felt this amazing since I was a child. I have stopped taking my interstitial cystitis medicine, 2 of the 3 antidepressants (I am stopping the 3rd soon...weening off them).The office mngr Susan is just the sweetest person ever. I totally look up to her. She is so full of knowledge about health and stuff. She looks out for me, teaches me a lot and is awesome.

I had a surgery on Jan 30th. I have had REALLY bad acid reflux for sometime. I have gained a lot of weight from the multitude of steroids I have had shot in my hip and stomach. I will NEVER get cortozone again. Makes you blow up like a cow. I am on a serious diet now though. But anyway, I had this thing implanted to my esophagus and for two days I have to wear this stupid thing around my neck. It was like 3x the size of a pager. Everyone kept asking why I had my camera around my neck but it was that thing. It recorded all the data-1 was the WORST possible pH level of acid. Well...it went blank many times. I was at 1.1 consistantly. Mom went to the doc for the results with me. It was bad. They did a biopsy and no cancer yet thank god. But the way I am starting is the SAME thing that happened to Tims dad and he died oh esophageal cancer very young. The dco said no caffeine, chocolate and something else which wsnt an issue to me. The caffeine is HORRIBLE for me. Im addicted to coke...not the white stuff but the soda. I drank at least 2 L a day of soda until the IC diagnosis. Then I went down a lot. Well not with this diag., it has hit me. I only have 1-2 cokes a week. I drink a little bit of caffeine free soda but not much.

The diet is going well. While i am not shedding gads of weight, I am not hugely puffy anymore. Only good thing about gaining weight was a I got a mighty nice rack goin' on now!! lol

My 30th bday is rapidly approaching. Its the best worst day of my life...turning 30 is HORRIBLE for me but I get my trust find that day so woo woo. I know 30 isnt that big of a deal but when I was little I convinced myself that if youre older than 29, youre old lol. I mean, Im not a mom yet which kinda bothers me slightly but hell...I wasnt bringing a child into a marriage that I was not sure if it would last. Tims been afraid of me getting preg bc of all the meds I was/am on. Thats why Im weening off the last one. He and I are a lot alike and thats why when we butt heads, we do it full force. Nowadays, things have gotten much better. We are taking many trips this year. Atlantic City in the spring, the cabin for the 4th of july, im going to OC with the fam hopefully if I can get a day or two off and then we are taking a week to see his fam in SC then going to florida to stay at the resort where we spent our honeymoon. We are thinking about a day or two in Disney. I cant wait to see my nana!!!! Shes 30 min away from the resort. The reason we are going to FL is to see fam.

This is long isnt it?

I am so excted for tomorrow. At work we offer yoga, tai chi and qi gong classes and the free class is tomorrow night so Im pretty excited. I am PRAYING I get 9 more acupuncture patients to come get treatments...if I refer 9 more people I get a $250 bonus and after being out of work so long...we need it. I cost my insurance almost $100,000 last year. You can imagine what I owe too!!!

Well I suppose that is all for my lovely update.
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Im in love with moxa [22 Dec 2008|10:24pm]
I slept a lot from last night till this am. I woke up to go to work for my acupuncture treatment. Theres this herb called moxa which smells like weed a bit but its AWESOME! It comes in a stick that looks like charcoal. You light it and blow it out. I dont know what else but anyway, he finds a pressure point and then puts the warm herb on it and it is the most INCREDIBLE feeling. You feel the warmth running throughout that area ie my leg. WOW. Im in love.

The treatment helped a lot but tonight after being in the cold, my joints said fuck you lady! I got off work and went to Smyth jewelers because I have some rings I wanted to sell. HA! $500 worth of rings...they wanted to give me $30. They only pay out for the gold in it which both were thin bands. I said heeeelllll no!

On my way back down York Rd towards home, Bill called and he forgot his key so he couldnt lock the office. So I ran back down York Rd and locked up. From there I ran to five below for a few odds and ends.
I went to Walmart after that which I am SO surpised...it wasnt packed! So I got a few more things.

Got back here, threw some green giant dinner in the pan and cooked that up for us. Damn that stuff is good. Im really upset about my weight. I have NEVER been this heavy in my entire life. Granted I was off work for 5 months, I was on medicine which made me gain plus the steroids did it too. Then I just started getting hungry all the damn time! Starting Jan 2, Im on my diet. I need 1288 calories to loose weight. It wont be horribly hard because I did loose weight last month but this month...I cannot deny myself holiday goodness lol

Well thats all folks. Nothing really exciting. Im cold, achey, miserable and yet happy. Go fig
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Fibromypainintheass [21 Dec 2008|05:59pm]
In August I was diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis which sucks. Its basically that my bladder cannot handle potassium and its painful and sucks. Fibromyaliga (sp?) goes hand in hand with IC. I have to go to the rheumatologist because my nurse prac thinks I have it. Makes sense, I feel 100% like she described. I stayed in bed all day. I have wrapping to do, candy to make, cleaning to do, laundry, yet I am so achey, sore and weak. She was reading my chart which looks like an encyclopedia because my files so huge and I have been tested for EVERYTHING for the aches and my excessive sleepiness and sleeping. I can sleep 15 hours a day.

So I could have had this for many years, even before it became "popular" for lack of a horrible word. I just cant think what the hell im saying...like people had it but no one knew what it was so they finally figured out what it was. Make sense?
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Death [18 Nov 2008|02:47am]
Usually things happen in 3's.
I thought the 3 deaths were gone by.

Now another one.

My friend Mark died this weekend.
This shit never gets easier.
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